Instead of buying myself something to further my portrait career I bought myself something to further my true happiness as a photographer. A true Christmas present from myself, and everyone else that just gave me money for christmas. A Fuji 6x9. I used this camera in college and adored it. It's simple but robust and produces the most lovely large, yet still medium format, negatives. I think it will serve me well for the rest of my life.
Let me tell you why film: it's not that it's cool to shoot it or that I think it produces better work than digital. It's because it's slow and magical. I have always compared it to ceramics; you work hard on a piece and do the best you can, place it in the kiln and hope the pottery gods smile upon it. It's not until the next day that you open the kiln and see the results of your labor have worked out in your favor and happiness rushes over you when it does. Photography is a bit more exact then ceramics but it's similar in the fact that for a period of time your work is shut off from you. No matter how confident you are in your exposure and your development skills, the rush of exuberance and joy that comes over me when I look at my freshly developed negative is wonderful. Once this feeling me made me exclaim "I LOVE PHOTOGRAPHY" to the whole photo-lab one day with out even thinking about it. I just love it. Digital doesn't give me as much of that feeling.
For this new path I need more than just my camera. I need a plan. I needed a refresher course in "On being a photographer" by David Hurn and Bill Jay. This book was required reading for one of my classes in school. I found it had exactly what I was feeling and what I needed to do about it.
"It seems to me self-evident that in order to photograph with any degree of continuous passion, you must have a fascination for the subject, otherwise you cannot sustain an interest in the act of creation for a long enough period of time in which to make any insightful or original statement about it."
So true. What insightful or original statement am I making in the world of Portrait Photography? Nothing. I have little trists of creativity when on a shoot, but for the most part I literally copy what other people have done for my clients, which is fine, people have done it for hundred of years in portrait photography and I think it needs to be done. I just don't want it to define me as a photographer.
"I began shooting anew, with a simple concentration on the subjects which most interested me, with no thought of success, prestige, or reputation, but with a joyous liberation..."
Yes! Joyous Liberation!
How?
"The first thing to do is carry a notebook and during quiet times or as the thought occurs to you, couple a list of anything that really interests you. In other words, write a list of subjects which fascinate you without regard to photography. What could inflame your passion and curiosity over a long period of time? At that stage, make the list without any regard for photography. Be specific as possible..."
So thats the second gift I got for Christmas. A little blue notebook nestled in my stocking. I think of things like this all the time and try to remember them, but I don't. I need to write them down. So this little blue notebook is going in my bag. Right with my essentials; wallet, diapers, wet wipes, sippy cup cell phone, keys, blue photography notebook. Let me give you a peak into what my blue book will have; Power lines (they are large yet delicate, each is unique, I could look at them all day), 'My Country Tis of Thee' (Purple mountains majesty upon the fruited plains - lovely), Invictus (William Ernest Henley - Read it!), Where I live (my neighborhood)... the list goes and will go on and on.
We will have to have a conversation latter on how Bill Jay helps narrow down this list. For now this is my anew; I may be young, I may be a mother, I may be in Utah waiting for my husband to finish school, I may shoot the occasional portrait but I will not let this define me as a photographer.
"I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."
The following photos were taken on my maiden voyage with my fuji. Watch for more.
Kodak Tmax
120mm
Provo, UT
